Why I Sabotaged My Relationship
By the author of How to Get Over a Breakup.
In my past, I was sometimes guilty of sabotaging my relationships. I would sabotage my relationships intentionally, even good relationships with good people, and I never understood why I would do it. Was I some sort of masochist? Did I enjoy being in emotional pain? Was I just a bitch?
Nope. I wasn’t a masochist. I didn’t live to feel emotionally hurt or damaged. And I was far from a bitch.
But there was a very good reason why I would sabotage my relationships.
If you sabotage your relationships there may be a few reasons why you do it, too. And, ironically, one of the reasons is actually to prevent you from a deeper hurt and spare you a more intense pain.
There is a show called ‘Nashville’ that airs on CBS (I think LOL) and takes place in Music City. One of the main characters in the show is Juliette Barnes (brilliantly played by Hayden Panettiere). Juliette, beautiful, talented and oh so sexy, has a long line of failed relationships and hurtful love affairs behind her. In Season 2, Episode 22, it is clearly painful that Juliette, in love with Avery, has intentionally cheated on him and now woefully regrets sabotaging her relationship. She admits to Avery that she has a tendency to sabotage all her relationships. As she puts it, ‘I have a tendency to burn my own house down with me still in it.”
Why would someone willfully – and purposefully – sabotage his or her own relationship?
Well, let’s take another look at this, shall we? First, let me tell you a little bit about my childhood. When I was growing up it was a very common thing for my mother to make me feel ashamed for who I was as a person. Instead of punishing my actions or berating my choices and wrong decisions, my mother told me that who I was ‘was bad’ and ‘unacceptable’. Today we now know to always tell our children that it is their actions or behaviors that are ‘wrong’ or ‘unacceptable’ and not the child, him or herself, that is ‘wrong’, ‘damaged’, ‘unacceptable’ or ‘bad’.
Still, many a parent tells their children that they are ‘bad’. That the child is flawed, unacceptable, unlovable, bad, shameful, a disgrace, or unsatisfactory. When someone feels that whom he or she is is a terrible person they learn to hate him or herself. This leaves them with feelings of not being good enough to keep a valued partner, and they feel worthy of rejection and not worthy of love. And being left and rejected by someone you care about because you are a ‘flawed’ human being is a very painful experience, and is a real fear for people who feel unworthy or are full of self-shame and self-loathing.
Now, let me ask you this…what would be more painful, 1) being left because your actions were undesirable (cheating, lying, etc.) or 2) being left because who you are is undesirable? See, when someone feels strongly enough that ‘as a person’ they are flawed and that they will be abandoned because they are so unlovable … they then may choose to go for the lesser of the two evils. (Which is, being abandoned because of your ‘actions’.) It is much less painful to sabotage your relationship and be left because of your misdeeds, than to do nothing at all and still be left because of who you are.
One would rather have their actions rejected than their very being rejected.
At least, that’s how it seems to them in their minds.
So, the next time you wonder why you sabotage your own relationships ask yourself if you feel flawed as a ‘person’ or unlovable and unworthy of holding and keeping love.
To make him love you again, you can read information at the website, How to Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back.
To make her love you again, you can read onformation at the website, How to Win Your Girlfriend Back.
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