The Disingenuous Narcissist and Hidden Insults
By Tigress Luv, http://tigressluv.com, author of 'Counterfeit Heart', Scammed by Love, and 'Daily Inspirations for Those Recovering from a Narcissist'
Like their veiled persona, narcissists have mastered the veiled insult and subtle, twisted accusation. Although compliments are meant to build our self-esteem and to encourage us, the narcissist’s compliments are a way to insult, control, cast doubt, confuse or gaslight you. Both the hidden insult or ‘backhanded compliment’ and veiled gaslighting types of ‘compliments’ are intended to plant seeds of self-doubt in you.
INSULT EXAMPLES: "You look so handsome when you're trying to fix the car." "Love that sweater on you. But isn't it supposed to be longer?" “You’re so cute when you try to cook.” “What a great test score. I can see why it took you so long to study for it.” “Fascinating belt! But isn’t it on backwards?” “Wow, great new haircut! Now you won’t look so tired all the time.” “You’re getting better with age.” “Your innocence is charming.” “I’m happy to see you haven’t given up on yourself!” "You look great since you lost all that weight!" “Your success is nothing short of astounding.” You look terrific! It’s nice to see you’re not bothered by fashion like so many others are.” “If you’d lose some weight you’d be much better looking than your brothers.” “I’m so jealous of your ability to not care what others’ think.” “I think it’s adorable that you got a promotion.”
GASLIGHTING EXAMPLES: "You're such a good person; it breaks my heart that you are depressed all the time." "It's a shame you don't see how wonderful you are." "You're so intuitive; I know you will figure it out." “You deserve so much more than you think you do.” “You’re smarter than that.” “Why always be angry when you have so much going for you?” “Why can’t you see in yourself what I see in you?” “You do so much for so many people; I can understand how you can get a little confused!” “I wish you could see your worth.” “You work too hard; it was bound to catch up with you.” “I’m sorry; it’s not your fault. I should have made myself clearer to you.” “I’m amazed at your stamina. Most would have given up long before now.” “You’re surprisingly accurate.” “I worry about you. You’re looking so thin.” “I love that I can relax and be myself around you.” “I love how you don’t obsess about your looks.” “It’s great that your family worries about you.” “Who wouldn’t make a mistake with all that’s on your plate?”
The intentional, backhanded compliment is a big part of the passive-aggressive behavior that is common to narcissists. It causes an undefinable tension, depression and unease in the victim – keeping them off-balance and making them feel confused, sad and hurt. Gaslighting, on the other hand, is usually delivered as veiled concern or encouragement; it is meant to throw your self-assuredness into self-doubt, make you question yourself and cause you to begin to lose touch with reality. Both are meant to make you lose self-confidence and entrap you to the narcissist by creating a false-sense of need for them.
The narcissist experience may haunt you for a long time. It may interrupt your daily life and activities, and invade you at any unforseen moment. You can get 100 facts, tips, and encouragements to help you understand and recover from the narcissist here. For more help in recovering please read my Daily Breakup Inspirations for those Recovering from a Narcissist or read the 4-ebook set on narcissism at Breaking Up With Your Narcissist.