Narcissists Devalue and Discard
A narcissist is a dream come true in the beginning. We will call it the 'honeymoon phase'. He is everything you ever wanted in a man – and more. Handsome, witty, charming, romantic, successful –- and you can't help but wonder where he has been all of your life. Why, he is perfect!
As you listen to him, he will tell you a tale of woe. He will tell you how his exes were all 'psycho' (his way of making sure his ex's 'low-down' on him is not taken seriously by anybody).
"Don't listen to my ex! After all, she's psycho
and doesn't know what she is talking about!
That's why I had to get out of there. She's crazy!
I ran for my life from that woman"
He will tell you how he was mistreated, cheated on, and emotionally battered by a mad, tyrannical, insane-psycho bitch. And you cannot help but wonder how any woman could ever do that to such a wonderful man. You make a silent vow to yourself to never treat him poorly. He deserves so much better. He deserves you!
You are now entering the 'what-if' stage. What if we got married – oh, how happy we will be. What if we had children – oh, how perfect they will be. What if I spent the rest of my life in this state of love and pure happiness – oh, what a joy my life would be.
The honeymoon phase is now over. Narcissists devalue and discard you in a blink of an eye. One day they are perfect and loving and the next day they are raging and telling you that you are worthless and that you disgust them.
The problem is this: when narcissists devalue and discard us, we are still in love with the man he pretended to be…his 'fabrication' of our dream mate. We do not see him as he really is. We feel the devaluing, we feel the discarding, but we do not believe it. We do not tell ourselves that narcissists devalue and discard – we tell ourselves that this wonderful man we fell in love with is just having a rough patch. Moreover, unfortunately, we may even take the blame. Maybe we really do disgust him? Maybe we really are worthless? Maybe we really are (place his insult of you here)?
After the staged honeymoon phase with the narcissist is over the devaluation period starts in. It is best not to remember the 'phony' good-times for you can get lost in the illusion of 'what if'. Forget the what-if's and look at the 'what-is' ... and 'what-is' is a man who is mean, heartless, ruthless, cruel, calculating, cold, unbalanced, fabricated and incapable of romantic love, empathy, compassion or intimacy.
When narcissists devalue and discard you, it is only to 'protect' them. It is their way of devaluing your opinions of them. If they take away the validity of your opinions, then they do not have to face their own imperfections. To a narcissist,
loving you (oops, narcissists do not love ... make that 'being closely involved' with you) is like looking in a mirror that is cracked. It is easier to keep alive his 'self-deception' by claiming the mirror is faulty, rather than the image of him. The closer you get to him in a relationship and the more you see his flaws and faults and disorders – the more he risks seeing them, too. If he were to validate you as a person, then he would also have to give value and importance to your opinions and beliefs –- of him. Something he did not mind doing in the honeymoon phase when you thought he hung the moon, but something he could not handle doing in his ugly phase when you see him as that phony failure and that angry, bitter jerk that he really is.
Yes, narcissists devalue and discard as a way of not having to acknowledge their own faults. Remember, do not get caught in love with the 'imaginary' man that he pretended to be. Do not fall for the 'what-if's'. Look at the 'what-is'. And get out now.
But leaving a narcissist is not going to be easy. I hope that you have one of those narcissists that just moves on to another woman, another family, and another life the next morning. For more advice on leaving a narcissistic husband or man, you may continue on to read my report, Living with, Loving and Leaving a Narcissist.
Advice on Breakups
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