If you want to be Lonely, Hook Up with a Narcissist
There are three methods that narcissists will use to make their partners or mates feel invalid, disregarded and invisible.
One method is with their mental and emotional absenteeism. Withholding of affection, silent treatment, ignoring, cold shoulder, snubbing, avoiding – all overt absenteeism. Absenteeism is one way a narcissist ‘kills you off’ without leaving a visible dead body behind for anyone else to see.
The narcissist is the inventor of – and has perfected – the classic ‘silent treatment’. However, they go far beyond just the silent treatment. They will sleep in another room, eat at a different table, and take a different cab. You have literally ceased to exist to them.
The second method is blocking and countering communication. Either they place no value to your words or they avoid, divert, hush you, or change the subject.
They may argue or refute everything you say, or invalidate your opinions. He or she may avoid having meaningful conversations or attempt to revert the subject back to himself or herself or change the subject to their own opinions or comments. One thing I experienced when I was with the narcissist was that every time I opened my mouth to speak – no matter how sweet or innocent what I was about to say was – he would sarcastically exclaim, “Oh, here we go…”., as if I were about to lay into him for the death of Christ, Himself. It was his way of silencing me, and silence me he did. I was bullied by his discounting and demeaning comments to the point where I stayed in silent limbo, in a null-and-void world all of my own. A lonely world where all I could hear were the hushed echoes of my own pain.
Discounting is the third thing a narcissist will do to you. Here they put down your desires and mock your feelings. They minimize what is important to you, whether it be a beloved family pet, a sentimental heirloom, or a hard-earned and well-deserved promotion at your company. Belittling your hopes and dreams and ambitions and passions is another way of discounting you. In addition, they spurn your triumphs and endeavors; dismiss your skills and talents, lessen your experiences, your attributes and accomplishments; or they undermine you and your achievements every chance they get.
The narcissist then tops all this off with spinning yarns about you in an attempt to make you lose any closeness with your friends and family. The narcissist is not happy until he has murdered you every which way but physically. When you become an empty, physical space, void of all being, then you will have experienced the loneliness of being with a narcissist.
Because the narcissist goes out of their way to make you feel invisible, being in a relationship with a narcissist can be lonelier than being single and alone. At least when you are single and alone, you have the permission to talk to others, to relate to people and to spend time with friends and/or possible mates or partners. You can get validation from outside sources, and you are allowed to speak and to be agreed with. In other words, you are acknowledged, seen and heard. However, when you are in a relationship with a narcissist, not only are you isolated from contact with others in the 'outside world’, you are also alone and invisible in your own life and relationship. You become a shell of the person you once were, an empty echo machine only used for another’s voice to be heard.
One way or another, the narcissist may stay in your life physically but vacate themselves from you verbally, lovingly, emotionally, compassionately, supportively, romantically and mentally. If you’re with a narcissist you will crave companionship – normal companionship – like you’ve never craved it before, You will feel starved for love, validation, support, empathy, compliments, compassion, caring, appreciation, company, attention, alliance, bonding, admiration and comradeship. And you will have good reason to feel this way – because that is truly how it will be.
To help in recovery from a relationship with a narcissist read daily inspirations for those recovering from a narcissist. Alternatively, you can read about my narcissistic breakup and get help in understanding and healing here.