Devalued by a narcissist
By Tigress Luv, author of The Counterfeit Heart: Living With, Loving and Leaving a Narcissist
When You Are Devalued By a Narcissist
Want to know what real hell is? It’s when you are devalued by a narcissist.
In the beginning, the narcissist is the most loving, charming, charismatic Romeo in the world. He tells you how wonderful you are, you are like a goddess to him, sent from heaven. Nothing like his psycho exes. He can’t believe his luck in finding you, and neither can you. He is perfect and he makes you feel so wonderful about yourself.
You have now fallen head over heels in love – with an ‘image’. An image that has become ‘perfected’ over years and years of practice. The narcissist has summoned up this image easily as he has it very well rehearsed. He has played this character role many, many times over the years… and he will play it again many more times long after he leaves you quaking in his wake.
But, for now, you have become his current victim. Victim? Yes! Once the relationship starts to unfold, the real man will emerge. And the real man isn’t so nice. He is nothing like the man you fell in love with. N.O.T.H.I.N.G.
Where once he built you up, complimented you, and he soared in your wonder, he now starts to demonize you. Nothing can prepare you for being devalued by a narcissist.
He will attack you every which way but loose. He will zoom in on your insecurities, and he will give you all new insecurities – ones that you never even had before.
When you are demonized and devalued by a narcissist it cuts deep and it cuts raw. All of a sudden, you go from being a goddess to being an ogre. You can’t cook. You can’t clean. You suck at your job. Your friends secretly hate you. You smell bad. You are ugly. Your feet are big. Your teeth are yellow. You are embarrassing. You say stupid, non-sensible things. You can’t balance a checkbook. You are an incompetent mother.
Your hair is greasy, oily, dry, too long, too short, too curly, too straight, and too frizzy. He didn’t know what he ever saw in you to begin with, he must have had a screw loose. You're the one that is unbalanced. Every time you open your mouth people try not to laugh. You’re overly critical. You’re conceited. Your co-workers try to get a transfer to another department just to get away from you. Your fashion sense is hideous. Your voice is grating. You suck in bed. You’re a bad driver.
You’re mean. A bitch. An inconsiderate lover. And crazy.
Your career stinks. A six-year-old can do your job. You’re always mad. You are too selfish. You whine all the time. All you do is complain. You are always sick and depressed. You disgust him. You disappoint your family. You don’t deserve respect. He is sickened to have to touch you. You’re too fat, too thin, too tall, too short.
People can’t stand being around you. You can’t manage money. You will never amount to anything because you are a failure all your life. You treat everybody poorly. You are cynical. You are fake. You are sarcastic. You laugh like a hyena. You act like a spoiled brat. You are the laughing stock of the town; people make fun of you.
Blah blah blah.
This is just a small sample of the ways that you will be devalued by the narcissist. And the narcissist devalues you and demonizes you in an instant. You go from being worshipped to being dishonored in a heartbeat.
Usually the narcissist will devalue you once they no longer receive their narcissistic supply from you. Find a flaw in him, have a grievance with him, or get in an argument with him and you will find yourself the princess of his disgust.
You are being devalued by the narcissist because he needs to take credibility away from you. If you are not credible then everything you say and think about him that is negative is also not believable. Your negative opinions are not valid if you are not valid as a suitable authority.
Being devalued by a narcissist also protects him from loving and losing. He can remain without emotion and without feelings. He can keep from facing his ‘real’ self by making sure that anybody that is close enough to him to know the ‘real’ man is not worthy of his thoughts, respect, or positive emotions. This is a protective armor the narcissist uses to keep his ‘image’ of perfection alive – an image he needs to keep garnering in order to receive positive reactions and compliments from those he has duped. If you are no longer duped by his fakeness, you are now also no longer worthy of his positive view of you. The narcissist cannot stay with someone who can see the 'real' man hidden under his false image -- the real man complete with real flaws, faults and ‘humanness’. To read more of my articles about breaking up with a narcissist – your worst breakup ever – or to read my eBook and the story about my own breakup with a devaluing narcissist, visit my site, Breaking Up With Your Narcissist.
(For more advice on recovering from the worst breakup ever, you should read, How to Get Over a Breakup)
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