How to be Happy Alone Starts with Learning How to be Happy with Yourself
By the author of How to Get Over a Breakup.
If you want to know how to be happy alone, and how to be happy with yourself, you have to stop loathing being alone. This means to throw away your fantasy concept of being a 'rebuffed' single – and your mythical ideas of relationships. The fairytale relationship doesn't exist; couples do not live in castles in the air. Most relationships are lousy, and are fraught with pain, anger, stress, worry, disappointment, fear, uneasiness, endless work, heartbreak and sadness. Not many people are truly happy in a relationship once it progresses past that initial 'falling in love' stage – they simply have learned to 'settle' for what they have, or they have made the choice to see their families raised, or they have learned how to endure through their commitments. They may say they're happy, they may claim they've been together for 'X' amount of years and get along just great, but the truth of the matter is (for the most part) they tolerate each other's shit because they're scared to frakin' death of being alone. To most people like this 'being alone' signifies being an outcast or being rejected by their fellow man; they falsely believe that being alone means that they are somehow flawed, unworthy and unlovable. And it is these very same beliefs that make them feel unhappy should they find themselves single and 'alone'.
In other words, they have been conditioned to believe that being 'partnered up' – even if they are miserable in a bad relationship – is far better than being a rejected, flawed, unlovable human being.
Another problem, too, is all those picture-perfect couples that single people see all around them. Movies and books portray couplehood as the 'ultimate goal'. Most every movie or book has romance in it. The underlying theme? … You must find the 'one and only', beat the obstacles to win their heart, be together, stay together, and get the ring at all costs. The first key to finding your happiness when you are alone is to understand the fact that these are works of 'fiction'. Getting married, making a commitment, finding someone to love you, and living happily ever after walking off into the sunset – movie fairytales are made up of those things. Then you have those 'real life' displays of happy couples who have found the 'ultimate' life goal – a partner. These displays, too, are 'fiction' based. How's that? Well – for the most part – couples who go out don't fight in front of other people. We don't see their infidelities, we don't sense their misery, we don't witness them falling asleep crying every night, we don't hear the prayers they whisper silently to themselves when no one else is around. We don't see the heartache. We don't feel their stress. In other words, we see a couple out together and we instantly place them high upon our perfect, dream pedestal. We think that they must be wonderful, perfect human beings as they have found each other – we are so envious of their perfect unity.
However, truth be exposed ... most people in a relationship frequently fantasize about leaving it. They daydream about living a more peaceful life by running away from everybody in their present life and not having to answer to anyone, anymore. They imagine being 'single' and 'free', or envision with hope a perfect relationship.
Unfortunately, we have falsely been brainwashed into thinking that one must somehow be 'wrong' or 'flawed' if one is alone and unattached. We erroneously think that finding a partner is the key to happiness, and that we are nothing until that magical moment when some stranger comes along and breathes life into our dusty lungs; that only then can we become 'whole'. We walk around needy and unfulfilled because we don't know how to have a relationship with ourselves. We were never taught to do that.
Yet, those single people who have found that being their own person is far more rewarding than answering to another, have found a deep contentment and happiness that could never be matched by a person in a relationship. These single people aren't lonely… in fact, one can feel far lonelier in a relationship than they can by themself. And the ones that are single and do feel lonely, do so because they are conditioned from 'day one' to believe that they have to have someone else in their life in order to feel complete and whole. They simply don't know how to be alone. They don't know how to feel contentment in – and appreciate the peace that comes from – being a solitaire. These same people are the ones that -- when in a relationship -- don't know how to separate themselves from their partners. They morph into this single-celled creature, and then they are left to feel miserable deep down inside because their partner doesn't act, think, or behave as they, themselves, would, or as they believe that their partners should. They become codependent blobs of jelly lost in the vacuity of their 'half-selves'.
Learning how to be happy alone and learning how to be happy with yourself starts with eliminating any preconceived notion that ideal happiness can only be found in an intimate relationship. That couldn't be further from the truth. Those are the very misconceptions that make you 'settle' for bad relationships and unstable partners. Loneliness is a conditioned state of mind, and your loneliness will dissipate once you understand this. And once you meet yourself.
You can learn how to be happy alone and how to be happy with yourself by simply throwing away your misconceptions of singlehood and couplehood. That is, your beliefs that singlehood equals being rejected, unworthy and unlovable, and that couplehood equals nirvana and reaching the ultimate in wholeness.
Oh, and if you absolutely must be in a relationship keep this in mind – the secret to keeping your sanity and remaining 'happy' is in the practice of 'acceptance'. The key to peace is in allowing your partner to think as they will, behave as they will, and have actions and opinions that will differ from yours. They will do things that will irritate you, some things will make you downright angry or burst into frustrated tears.... and, if you don't practice the fine art of 'acceptance', you will be miserable your entire relationship. So give them the right to be wrong, or the right to be 'right', or even the right to 'not care' whether they are wrong or right. Accept their mistakes, let go and don't control, accept their actions, and tend to your actions. Don't expect your partner to make your happiness their sole purpose in life. Most of the misery in our relationships stems from our trying to change our partners because of our inability to accept our partners exactly as they are, and from expecting them to somehow magically make right everything we feel is wrong within ourselves.
So remember, don't expect your partner to do things the way you want; and don't expect love to 'fix' your brokenness. People will still have their own opinions and behave the way they have been programmed to behave, and, without 'acceptance' of this, your happiness and your relationship will be doomed from the start.
Compromise in a relationship is great, yes – but that doesn't always work. Some partners refuse to compromise. That's why we have singlehood.
To heal from a broken heart, read my ebook, How to Get Over a Breakup.
Advice on Breakups